I am Haku
by serianri
Summary: I never liked being the third wheel, but that was exactly what I became due to a few injustices in life, one including the phenomenon where my face was destined to look exceedingly beautiful, and my incurable inability to refuse perverted extensions of hospitality due to certain temptations concerning the well being of my precious stomach—of which I candidly regret.
1. Prologue

**Let's reminisce together, but in a more badass way. To the folks who followed Naruto from Season 1, this is for you.**

* * *

Prologue

There wasn't much time left. I looked at Fox boy and then away. Silver-hair had his puppies all wrapped around Zabuza and was charging full speed with a lightning blade in hand.

 _Shit_. If Zabuza got hit head-on by that jutsu, he'd definitely die. Master looked at me then, he wanted me to be his shield.

 _Hell no. We still had time_.

I couldn't get away before Fox boy swung at me again. I caught him by the wrist and went through random single-hand jutsu signals to distract old Orange.

"Sasuke!" Forehead cried from her side.

I looked back. Fan boy was still lying uselessly on the floor. _Shit_. She got me there. My eyes widened in realization. There was still Pinky.

I sent about ten senbon at the ninja dogs and Zabuza took this time to maneuver away.

"Sakura-Chan!" Orange screamed at the top of his overworked lungs.

With his large hand, Zabuza grabbed "sakura-chan" and stuck her in front of him.

It was a split of a split second and everything happened too fast. Electric currents were shooting in all directions. All I saw was bright light until Silver finally shut off his lightning blade and the energy died down.

Blondie instantly went weak in the knees and crashed into the cement. Uchiha finally stopped crawling and gawked.

In front of Silver-hair were two lifeless-dilated pupils-not-ready-to-move-on-I-still-have-dreams corpses floating atop a pool of fresh blood.

Silver looked at me and I at him then back at cherry blossom and muscly.

* * *

And that was how, I, Haku, replaced Sakura in Team 7.


	2. Forest of Death: Part I

_**Be warned.**_

* * *

 **Forest of Death: Part I**

* * *

Chunin exams are hell. They work you, starve you, and then dump you in the Forest of Death while they feed on fishballs. If things were going to be like this…

"I'm gonna piss." I pulled down my pants and started watering the tree closest to me.

"Me too!" Idiot Orange yelled as he unzipped his jumpsuit.

"Get your own fucking tree!" I turned to spray him away.

"Would you two brain-dead retards shut the fuck up!" Sasuke Pouty Uchiha was 9.5/10 times a kill-joy.

He's not a complete idiot though. Ever since we stepped in the 44th Training Ground, it was awfully quiet. A deathly quiet. I surveyed the surrounding trees and shrubs. There was nothing to hide us, it wouldn't give us the advantage to cause a ruckus.

We began walking deeper into the forest when Pouty randomly threw his hand out and slapped me on the chest.

"Where's Idiot 1?"

I shrugged. "Still pissing maybe."

"It's not safe to separate from your teammates in the Forest of Death," a perverted voice purred.

Uchiha and I briskly sidestepped and bumped our backs together.

"Where is he? Damnit." Sasuke looked around the forest in a slight panic for he didn't sense anyone at all.

"Activate your Sharingan damnit," I retorted. "That perverted voice scared the shit outta me."

Sasuke's face scrunched up. From the looks of it, he probably agreed.

"Over here."

Sasuke and I both flung our heads to see a thin looking woman man.

"Uchiha. Is that a man or a wo-?"

But before I could finish, I witnessed my own death. A kunai flew straight to the dead center of my forehead and blood splattered everywhere.

If it was time, then it was time. But my eyes wouldn't fucking close. I was scared shitless. I ain't dying like this. I'd choose the lightning-blade-through-heart death any day over this.

My eyes shifted back and forth and finally caught sight of Uchiha. He was in the same state, trembling all over, maybe even worse. My face twitched seeing him suffer the same trauma. Then I realized, I was gaining sensation in my fingers again.

But before I was ready to move on my own, the Grass ninja flung two kunai at us.

Pain would snap us out of this trance, but before I made a move, Avenger freed himself first.

"Nice going Uchih-

I didn't get to finish. A tremendous force knocked me off of my frozen legs, carried me to some high place in the trees, and slammed me to a thick tree branch. All the numbness was gone by now and I was about to get up when heavy panting tickled my neck.

I gaped at Sasuke who had his entire body leaning on mine like I was some sort of comfort pillow.

"The fuck man… It's okay if you and Naruto are a thing, but please, I don't run that way." I shoved him off and began dusting my clothes.

 _Damn. It's wrinkled._

"Shut up idiot. If it weren't for me, you'd be dead." Sasuke sat down and leaned against the tree trunk. I looked at the gushing blood that soaked through his trousers. My finger could probably fit through the hole.

"Ain't that bad. The hole Kakashi carved in Sakura could fit my head!" I tried to recreate the exact shape with my fingers.

Uchiha threw his hand over my mouth. "Shut up if you don't know have something useful to say."

I wanted to retort him like I always do, but a giant ass snake appeared. So instead, I whacked his hand away and leaped backwards to escape, dodging the venomous bite just in time.

A cloud of smoke hovered around the area that I just rested on. When it cleared, the tree was gone with it. But not the snake.

The snake opened its mouth, looking more ready to snap again.

 _Shit. It's coming after me so that must mean…Sasuke's been eaten already._

I twisted to face it. With my speed, it wouldn't be able to catch up that quickly. I launched five senbon in its direction, and then immediately formed hand seals.

"Certain Kill Ice Spears!" The senbon pierced through the first layer of snake skin and upon contact, transformed into giant ice pillars, immobilizing the monster and ripping apart its flesh. The animal summon squirmed to no avail as I landed on its back and started running towards the head.

 _Damn. My aim gotten worse. Not even one hit the eye_.

"Certain Kill my ass!" Uchiha appeared next to me and we both sprinted to the top of the snake's head.

I snorted. "About time you showed up." Grabbing onto his hand, I flung him to the front where he activated his Dragon Fire Technique.

We both watched from a higher branch as the snake burnt and the smell of flesh filled the air. It was over. But it was not.

The slimy shinobi started peeling out of the snake and warping into a different looking person.

Fan boy was scared shitless. I could tell. I was fine though, I watched from three branches higher.

"Not. bad. at. all," a now deeper voice coming from Evil Reincarnated enunciated.

"He's a Sound Nin!"

"He's a man!"

Uchiha and I looked at each other. And to think our compatibility was only rated 47%.

Partner briskly jumped onto my branch. I never seen him so fast before.

And before I could even process it, Sasuke climbed ahead of me, leaving me covering the end, Snake Man hot on my tail.

 _Mother fucker._ _How dare he jump onto my branch and outrun me._

A wet tentacle-like object wrapped around my ankle and yanked me to the floor. I looked down and saw that the tentacle-like object (commonly referred to as tongue) extended nearly fifteen yards.

"Consecutive chains of ice jutsu!" I went through the hand seals and aimed it at the perverse thing licking at my shin.

The moment my ice particles made contact, I smirked. It was only a matter of seconds before the frostbite hits.

But the jounin level ninja acted fast. He conjured up a kunai and decisively slashed off half of his tongue before the ice reached his mouth.

The unattached half was completely covered in ice and shattered into tiny ice crystals when it touched the wooden floor.

"What's your name boy? I'm Orochimaru." Pale Face cooed as he retracted his remaining tongue.

Activating my Icebreaking Sledgehammers, I entered into fighting stance. "Haku."

"I see you've made yourself some interesting friends, Sasuke~" Orochimaru hissed violently as he ran like a mad man straight in my direction.

I readied my ice defense, but was only struck by the cutting wind from the ridiculous speed of the passing man. I realized then, I wasn't the target. Fan Boy was.

"Sasuke!" Orochimaru screamed in ecstasy, much to my utter distaste.

The psycho's head suddenly detached from his body with unbelievable elasticity and locked onto Sasuke as its final point of destination.

Sasuke knew he was coming for him, and so he pivoted to run, but he was dragging his bad leg. The monster would reach him before he had the chance to reach the end of the branch.

Focusing all my strength, I propelled myself forward until I was within range and threw the only senbon I could reach from my pocket.

It pierced through the back of Sasuke's calf just in time for his unexpected fall to dodge the cursed bite specially prepared for him.

(insert awesome music—totally saved your ass Uchiha)

Just then, the unforecasted storm called Naruto struck and hurled a kunai into the snake's bottomless mouth pit. If it weren't for Orange's outrageous appearance, Uchiha probably would have been successfully bitten.

A furious Orochimaru retreated back thirty feet or so, but didn't stop there. With the still functioning part of his tongue, he swaddled Naruto and lifted his shirt. My eyes widened as he mercilessly jabbed Fox Boy in the gut and a new seal formed next to his already tattooed belly.

After branding Orange, he tossed his motionless body aside to die.

 _Shit. He'd never survive the fall from this high_.

I, with my once unmatched speed, launched myself at Naruto and caught him. He was still breathing. Gently placing him down, I felt a shiver run down from my spine. As I turned to see, I was too late.

The sound of a painful bite echoed through the forest and the black birds perched on the tree flapped away.

"Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!"

It took me a few seconds to process the tragedy that just happened.

"Sasuke!" I yelled as the Snake Pervert drew back his once again detached head.

Sasuke pelted Orochimaru with a series of fancy taijutsu kicks and punches creating some distance before sucking a lung full of air and blasting his infamous Fire Dragon Jutsu.

"Now!" Sasuke commanded as he tumbled back to where Naruto and I were stationed.

On cue, I rushed through my hand seals and activated the technique, "Ice Dome of Magnificent Nothingness!" Immediately, a dome of ice caved around us and deflected the kunai bombs Orochimaru sent to follow us.

When the smoke cleared, the conscious among Team 7 made out a figure walking steadily towards us. He sent a few more bombs and poison gas, but my dome didn't budge.

Sasuke was panting heavily beside me with a kunai in hand while Naruto was still comatose behind the both of us. I was on one knee, focusing the last of my chakra flow into maintaining the ice barrier separating us and the enemy.

"Amusing indeed," Snake's vile voice sent shivers down both our spines. Thank Sakura in the heavens for he suddenly stopped and did not approach any closer.

"What do you want?" Sasuke barked, rage and fear obvious in his eyes.

"I know you'll come finding me. You desire my power," Orochimaru said with unparalleled confidence and turned to walk away. There wasn't even enough time to let out a sigh of relief when he swiftly turned around once more.

He had the fucking nerve to look me in the eye. "Until next time…" he whispered as a parting gift before completely disappearing.

The instant he left, my ice dome subsided and I fell forward on all fours, choking aggressively on my vomit.

Pressured by both my sorry and Naruto's pitiful states, Sasuke transported us to some area with more shelter and algae. We were back on the supported ground, which gave us slight relief from expending our chakra to stay glued to the tree branches.

I turned to Sasuke who was putting a cool cloth on Naruto's burning fevered forehead.

"Uchiha…come over here," I gestured said person over. He was wearing a 'what now I'm already scared shitless' expression, but the hell did I care.

Only when he was next to me, did I finally release the hand covering my neck. "Did he leave a hickey?"

A throbbing sensation pounded relentlessly around the swollen area he had bitten. I winced in pain, but kept one eye open to extract the information I needed.

Blue Boy's disgusted reaction confirmed that there was no doubt that I was branded.

"Shit. Shit. Shit!" I cursed under my breath and punched the floor with my hand.

Throwing a tantrum wouldn't solve anything. _Think Haku_.

In a few seconds, a smirk snuck its way onto my face. I turned to Sasuke, and he knew it was coming.

"hell. no." Sasuke began rushing through hand seals.

"hell. yes." But I beat him to it. My ice formed a prison and immobilized his feet.

"Shit. God no!" Sasuke melted the ice with his fire and was planning his next escape plan.

"Fuck Uchiha. I saved you from this fucking bite and you're just gonna leave me to die?" I spat out through my gnashed teeth.

"You fucking threw a needle through my leg!" I still can't move it thanks to you!"

"I fucking saved you. This would've been you if not for me." I flinched from the pain eating at my skin.

Fan Boy was insanely arrogant. He was a big fat dick. But have to admit, he is pretty cool.

I tilted my head slightly to the left and started my rant.

"What the fuck was Slit Eyes saying about power? Who the fuck needs his power? Look how unhealthy he looks. I swear 'm gonna blow his perverted ass up with my thousand, no, billion flying water needles of de-

"Shut the fuck up, Haku!" Uchiha jerked my head more to the left. Giving his 'I'm too good for this' labored face for the fiftieth time, he lowered his head and placed his lips to my neck. His teeth from his tiny mouth tickled my neck and I couldn't help but squirm around.

"Stay the fuck still, dickhead!" Uchiha tightened his hold on me before spitting out the black blood he was able to extract.

"Then hurry the fuck up Loser!" I hollered back in reciprocated impatience. "You think I like this?"

God the only thing keeping me going was imagining Naruto's Sexy Justu.

I looked over at Naruto who was slowly regaining some color in his face. At this rate, it would be just a little more time before we could move again. But until then, we would still be vulnerable.

I looked at Sasuke who collapsed from embarrassment. I patted my neck, there was still discomfort, but I could tell the worse has already passed.

"Yo… Sasuke." I nudged him in the side, but he was too defeated to give a damn. This obviously crushed his fucking massive ego. I kind of felt bad, but what had to be done, had to be done.

"I'll take responsibility," I breathed into his ear.

This got a reaction.

"The fuck you just sa-

But Sasuke stopped mid-sentence. We both sat up and had our guard up once more.

In the not so far distant, there was slight, yet not completely unnoticeable movement in the green bush from the side of our camp.

We were being watched. And now under attack again.


	3. Forest of Death: Part II

**Forest of Death: Part II**

I sent three senbon to the bushes while Sasuke flung three kunais in the same direction. It hit something.

Scrambling in the bushes, a wickedly familiar black pineapple stuck out. Sasuke immediately teleported behind them and grabbed the three little peepers. When he realized that it was another Leaf group, he released his grip and travelled back to our shelter den.

"Hahaha sorry. We didn't mean to intrude." Pineapple stuck both hands up, obviously submitting to our superior strength. "We didn't really see anything. Please continue. Don't mind us. We totally understand," he said, trying to pull his teammates away.

"No you don't Shikamaru…" Pouty tried to clarify.

"Just leave it be Uchiha. He said he understands." I pat him in the back. Shikamaru was cool.

"Wahhhh!" the Blonde (Ponytail) whined. "Why did Sasuke kiss that brat?"

"Can't help that they are the only All-boys team." I watched with fascination as Fat Boy stuffed another not-available-in-the-Mist flavor potato chip in his mouth. "Didn't think they'd be going at it during the exam."

"You can't do this Sasuke! You're the last Uchiha so you can't make babies with a boy!"

Shit. This girl was dumb as fuck. "Like I'd ever make babies with Uchiha."

"Shut up idiot! I told you they misunderstood." Fan Boy smacked his hand with his head.

I would've had the last laugh if not for the sudden eerie vibe I was feeling. Pulling out a handful of needles, I entered defense mode. Under any normal circumstances, I would be able to pinpoint the enemy's exact location, but my head was still spinning a little from the blood loss.

I glanced over at Fan Boy gripping his kunai. Seriously, how does he fit so many in that pouch? Didn't he throw all of them at Pervorochi?

But more importantly, like me, Sasuke was unfocused. The time interval between our last battle and this pending one was way too short. It doesn't help that Fishcake is still unconscious and we're both injured to some extent.

 _Shit. Can't get distracted._

Suddenly, an irritating sound reverberated throughout the forest. Our small cave only enhanced the resonance, amplifying the damage it did to my active senses.

I found myself dropping to my knees and clasping my ears as blood slowly trickled down my hands. Uchiha managed to lift Naruto, but dropped him when the sound vibrations intensified.

 _Shit_.

Despite my bad condition, I still had the strength to survey the area. Team Pineapple were out of view, if not for the tiny chip trail leading to the same bush they were camouflaging themselves in before. If the sound continues for another few minutes, even if the enemy doesn't discover them, they can just bury themselves.

 _The game of shinobis. The first to show fear loses. The first to beg for mercy dies._

I gritted my teeth before forcefully removing unwilling hands away from my blood-crying ears. I didn't have a plan and I wasn't sure what was going on, but I didn't want the enemy to think he had won.

My balance wasn't the best to say the least, I'd probably couldn't beat a drunk at a straight-line test, but I stood up anyway. I had a better scope of the forest at the exchange of the chakra I wasted to protect my hearing.

The tradeoff was worth every ounce since I caught sight of Pineapple who was waiting for me to notice him. He narrowed his eyes in the direction of my 11:00, 1:00 and 5:00.

The probability of Pineapple lying was slim. He wasn't just helping me, he was also saving his team. Ponytail and Chubs were obviously being affected by the endless sound vibrations.

With one hand held behind my back, I signaled the three locations of the currently (but not for long) invisible enemy. Average ninja (Zabuza included) wouldn't ever dream of deciphering what I just did, but Sasuke and his Sharingan were special. It was times like these that I actually didn't dislike Uchiha nor wonder why his cruel brother didn't kill him to spare the village from his 'I-hate-the-world-but-I'm-still-cool' face.

Sasuke dipped his head slightly before leaving Naruto on the floor. I didn't have sufficient chakra to do anything fancy, so I summoned a mini Ice Dome (withhold weak attacks) to protect our sleeping comrade. It was only for precautions. The chances of anyone getting to him were low. Sasuke and I wouldn't let that happen. After all, our attackers wouldn't have much longer to live.

Letting a mist clone substitute my real body, I drifted away to greet my first target who was cowering in a tree. The Ninja Turtle didn't even notice that I was perched right behind him. Poor him, didn't even know Haku of the Mist is famou- _Shit_. _Scratch that._

Poor him, didn't even know Haku of the Misty Leaf is infamous for his unmatched, prodigious perfected skill of _Silent Killing_.

Jumping down as swift as a trained shinobi assassin, I aimed for his vulnerable bandaged neck.

"This one doesn't have it!" a cocky voice boomed from underneath. I quickly altered my death blow to a tap on the shoulder followed by a retreat flip.

The hunchback Sound-nin attempted to direct his irksome sound waves at me, but this time was faced with much difficulty and confusion.

"I just locked you with my Consecutive Ice Chains. If you don't devote your chakra solely to keeping warm, I'm afraid you'll become a snow man."

At first, he didn't believe me. But when his toes were getting frostbites, he nearly freaked. I've never seen someone's pupil dilate so much, except for that one time when Master and Forehead died.

With my technique rendering him useless, I dragged Hunchback down to the ground where Sasuke was enjoying his time using some new guy as his footstool.

"Should I break his arms?" Uchiha asked with bloodlust emitting from his eyes and tensing muscles.

I couldn't stop him, because I didn't want to. So I simply nodded.

Within seconds, a sharp piercing cry resonated throughout the forest. It was so loud that I didn't find the shoulder dislocating to be disturbing anymore.

"Hold it!" a terrified, nervous, vulnerable, slightly sexy voice commanded.

The owner of the voice received my immediate attention. Sasuke threw his toy away and looked up.

The long-haired Sound kunoichi broke my barrier and was holding a senbon at Naruto's forehead. "If I stab right here, your teammate is going to die on the spot!" she yelled, scared we couldn't hear her.

' _Stab it_ ' I wanted to say. ' _Do it_ ' Sasuke was itching to holler. Not because we were uncaring. It was simply because we weren't concerned.

First, Old Orange had a skull so thick that you couldn't possible stab through with a thin-ass needle. And second, Pretty over there didn't seem to be a good reader of the situation.

I kneeled down and brushed through a few one-hand signals. I almost didn't want to do it, but I couldn't help it. I wanted to see her cry and beg me to stop. "Ice Dragon Blizzard!"

A dragon, more water than ice, flew up from the destroyed ice dome and clamped its teeth around the girl's waist. It flew up and only clamped down harder when she struggled. She didn't cry so I had the dragon bite down for serious. She cried then. And I smirked.

My water dragon hurled her next to Sasuke's feet. Uchiha wasn't a nice boy today. He picked her up by the hair and yanked her head until she was looking at him, blood still leaking from her mouth.

"Give me your damn scroll."

I crossed my arms in triumph. Yes. Give us the damn scroll.

"Please let her go," Hunchback said. No one paid him a unit of attention. "I have the scroll." Then we looked at him.

"My name is Dosu and he is Zaku. This scroll is yours, but please release Kin." Dosu laid down a 地 scroll.

"Why?" Sasuke was being extra naughty today.

"Just let them go," I said casually after confirming that the scroll was real and the one we needed.

Sasuke released Kin-chan and she scrambled back to Hunchback and Broken Arms.

"Thank you, Miss." With that, the Sound team vanished.

"Who the fuck you calling MISS!" _Who the fuck he calling MISS?_

Giggles could be heard coming from the bushes. I threw a few senbon in their direction and the three clowns finally appeared again.

"Ppppffffffff…" Ponytail covered her mouth, trying to suppress what I was certain was a laugh.

"We didn't mean to laugh…pffff…" Pineapple said, hiding a chuckle.

"Miss Girl-face."

Fat Boy blew it. Stupid Uchiha held his stomach as he laughed his ass off. Ponytail snorted like a Pig as Pineapple and Chubs went on a laughing spree, scaring away the wise silence that much suited the Forest of Death. If they had as much energy as they had laughs, they'd probably defeat a tailed beast all on their own.

I surprised Sasuke from the side as I lifted his pouch and dug out the last kunai. With a single flick of the wrist, I chopped off my prized long hair.

That immediately stopped their laughing disease. Mission accomplished.

Ino-Pig (Ponytail was called Ino apparently) had her mouth hanging in shock even when PineMaru was guiding her away. Chip Face was sad since I took his last stash of potato chips in return for letting them go unscathed. And there was Sasuke who really pissed the fuck out of me.

"Why the fuck do you look so dejected?" I barked.

Useless Uchiha didn't respond, but threw sleepy Orange onto his shoulder.

"I'll protect you…Haku-chan…" a blushing Naruto muttered in his sleep.

 _The fuck_ … I really wanted to stab him with my senbon, if not for the diminishing energy I had left within me.

"We better hurry out of here," Sasuke cautioned as we dashed through the trees.

 _No shit._ We really couldn't handle another assault.


	4. Preliminaries: Part I

Haku Ch. 3

Preliminaries: Part 1

I never aimed for much in life. When I was younger, all I thought about was getting enough money to feed poor lil old stomach. After meeting Zabuza, I never worried even once. I only wanted to be useful to him, so he would feed me even **better** food. And now in the Leaf, I still get fed. Not much, but still decent. So yes, there is no point in me taking or passing this chūnin exam.

I know what I want, but more importantly, what I don't want. But it seems like Silver thinks I'm too "young and misguided" to understand what I want in life yet. Something about wasted potential and destined for great things or some other shit. I think he just gone crazy from reading so much of that Icha Icha.

I glared at him as he tilted his head and smiled with his one visible eye. He may seem friendly on the outside, but that man's a demon.

Not long after our encounter with the Sound ninja, some Amegakure team—some other all boys group—came along. We already had both 天 and 地 scroll, and being the gentleman I was, decided to let them go.

But the dumb shits persisted to play tag with us. Lucky for them, Naruto was finally awake to entertain them. Uchiha and I weren't exactly needed until we were approached by Glasses.

I attacked him, of course. I mean, who the fuck shows up to help another team unless they have some sick plan stuck up their ass that they're itching to release on us. But Fishcake was saved by him, so we called it even.

Still, something was definitely off about that "Kabuto" guy. It felt too _coincidental_ to meet with him. My gut says something is wrong with that guy. I just don't know what yet.

But never mind that. There's a bigger reason why I hate him. Apparently after we all made it back to the tower, too many groups survived.

Twenty-fucking-one ninjas—double the number of survivors expected to remain after the fucking forest of psychos—to be exact. Thus, our proctors decided to host a fun little game called the "Preliminaries" where we fight each other and can get fucked to a pulp without any interference until someone "wins" as judged by Bandana. The fuck right?

So yeah, even if no one surrenders, I'll forfeit if I get matched up against White Eyes or the creepy Love Boy or Uchiha (who I absolutely can't take seriously) or String Bean (he throws me into a fit every fucking time) or Quiet-I-Have-Bugs-Living-Inside-Me. Yeah. Fuck.

Of the 21 remaining, only shitty Glasses successfully withdrew. I, on the other hand, was denied default by Team 7's beloved Sensei-Killer despite my list of valid reasons: I'm fucking exhausted after being forced to endure babysitting two idiots, being attacked by a Perverted Snake (whose name apparently struck a nerve in Silver—but didn't win me freedom), being bitten on the neck and branded with a curse mark (which I tried explaining disappeared only after Uchiha sucked a majority of my blood out), being disturbed by three peeping Pineapples, having my ears cry blood while Orange dreamt about some perverted shit, meeting Glasses, and finally arriving at the fucking Tower that doesn't look nearly as far and long as it actually took to get there.

"All the more reason to finish this," was all the sympathy I received from my recently registered sensei. Should've seen it coming. Other than his Icha Icha, nothing seems to really resonate well in his mind. Well, it's not like I didn't see it coming. All men are the same. Zabuza had his own secret stash of porn mags and I've already read that shit a million times.

So anyways, I had to stay and wait my turn to fight either a friend or foe to the death when my name was called. I am still waiting as I spend my time narrating this shit for you.

Uchiha is currently fighting some Avocado. Avocado seems to be sucking Sasuke's chakra. Smart move, but dumb when used against Uchiha. Didn't the poor man notice that Fan Boy barely had any chakra left by the time we reached the tower?

Turned out, Sasuke didn't need no chakra to beat Avocado. He copied String Bean Lee's technique, renamed it something cooler, and got all the girls swooning over him—Uchiha style.

Long story short, he won and is now being put onto a stretcher.

"Don't embarrass yourselves, Losers," said cocky ninja advised before lying back down comfortably on his stretcher and led out of the arena.

His wounds aren't even serious. The only thing making the scene dramatic was all the blood spurting out of the two holes—one that I proudly contributed to—on his leg. Other than that, he was perfectly fine kicking at Avocado. God, these Leaf ninja are spoiled.

"Next up…Zaku Abumi…against…"

I turned to see who this Zaku was.

 _Oh that guy. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me_.

"…Shino Aburame."

 _Damn_. There goes the easy one. On the bright side, that eliminates Bug Boy (I've seen people from the Aburame clan and learned to identify them when I was working as a mercenary in the Mist. They have this similar feel to them, just like those Transparent-Eyed-Vein-Popping Hyūgas).

But even if I was to fight him, I'd have the upper hand. Bugs don't like the cold, and I just so happen to major in ice. But the result was for the better good—I detest bugs. Their bites are worse than that snake's—they can be so fucking itchy.

Anyways, I think I zoned out and missed the fight between Puppet Man and some dead guy. I would've fell off the rails if Orange didn't catch me.

"Next up…Ino Yamanaka against…

Blondie swiftly jumped off from the rail and perfected three flips before landing on one side of the giant stone hands. _Fucking show off_.

"…Haku."

It was finally my turn.

 _Damn. Since Sasuke's fight, I was praying that my opponent would be either baby Hyūga or the plain-looking girl next to String Bean. Preferably the one with the buns though. I hate seeing the Hyūga veins pop up when they activate the White eyes. I wonder if it hurts. It looks like it would hurt…_

"…*cough cough* Haku…"

"Goddamn it. I heard you the first time."

All eyes watched silently—of course their eyes were silent, be creepy as fuck if they weren't— as my sandals clicked down the stairs, step by step. I almost tripped one step, but I caught myself with the hand railing. How embarrassing that would be if I actually fell.

By the time I made it down, Bandana was giving me this emo stare. I returned it with equal torpor.

But then, I suffered a gruelingly painful realization that Bandana looked way too familiar. I soon recognized his one and only irrevocable lethargic face. He was by no doubt, the lover of the purple-haired hot Leaf Anbu that Zabuza once had a thing for and told me to spy on.

Then **I** coughed.

I fucking **loathed** this guy. He who had stolen the girl my Master watched from afar. He who had stolen my week's worth of better food. Because of him, I lost **5** fucking pounds in a week.

"Match…commence!"

In a flash, my two hands were equipped with three senbon each. All six, I casted at Cough Face.

Yeah. If I had to fight. I fucking choose him.

The crowd watched in confusion. Ino-Pig froze stupidly in the corner as Bandana took out a short blade to block the senbon I was attacking him with.

"Haku!" Naruto yelled, cupping his hands to enhance the volume of his voice which was already exceedingly audible. "Ino! Your opponent is Ino!"

 _No shit_.

Right then, three shuriken were thrown at my feet. They were all thrown with dead on accuracy, but I dodged them just in time to save my pants. The ground was not as fortunate. Because each of the weapons were chakra-infused, the cement split open upon contact.

That could have been me. _Shit_.

Looking up, I saw that the wielder was none other than Silver-hair Kakashi. I smirked, placing both hands in the air.

"Guess I'm out of the race," I said with a triumphant attitude. I picked up my senbon from the floor, brushed them off, and stuffed them back into my shirt.

"On the contrary…" Kakashi closed his Icha Icha. That wasn't a good sign. He already made it clear before the matches that he intended for all of Team 7 to pass with flying colors as to not shame his good name.

"So are we going to fight or what?" Ponytail asked with her overly irksome voice.

I looked at Sensei. I wasn't going to bite the hand that feeds me. "Fine."

I turned to the jumpy blonde. "You ready for this?" I asked, pulling out my weapons once more.

She vanished from my sight and decided to do an air kick from above. It was quite unexpected to be honest. I didn't expect her to pull something so obvious for the first move. I blocked with the sides of my forearms. Her kick was infused with chakra so I'd definitely bruise by tonight.

For a girl her size, she was surprisingly flexible. She kicked me in the face right after. I took it like a man. I continued to let her display a series of fancy but weak kicks. I thought it was quite funny especially with her sound effects.

But mainly, I didn't really care. She seemed to be having fun—jumping left and then right. It's obvious that someone didn't use any chakra in the forest. Leaf kids are spoiled.

"What's wrong?" she taunted while sidestepping in different directions. "Scared…Girl Face?" Ino—the bitch.

Before my brain reacted, my body ran through the hand seals. But nothing came out. It was then that I suspected that my chakra flow was damaged. The pain in my neck wasn't planning to miss out on the party and came to haunt me again. My eyes widened in horror. _Shit_.

I dropped down on one knee, using my hands to balance. My ears were making a buzzing noise for awhile, but right now was off the charts. All I heard was a 'beeeeeeeeeeep.' The world around me was spinning like I was undergoing some genjutsu, which I probably was or was not. I didn't know. I could care less. It didn't matter if I won or not. I just wanted it to be over.

"Perfect!" Ino found her way right in front of me before forming a triangle. "Mind Transfer Jutsu!"

And then everything went black.


	5. Preliminaries: Part II

Haku Ch. 4

 **Preliminaries: Part 2 + Boring Aftermath**

I couldn't see nor hear anything. My legs felt numb, my body felt weak. My organs felt like they were failing me. And my chakra felt nought.

Suddenly, my arm was moving against my will. It was instinct to fight it, but there was no energy left to expend. I was completely helpless against the force manipulating my every action. I didn't make any noise even as the scourging pain ran up my outstretched arm.

 _Shit_. _Death hurts._

With my final willpower, I forced my eyes open and looked at my would-be murderer. Bandana must be taking revenge by almost pulling my poor arm out of its socket.

"Victor…Haku!"

Apparently, I was still in my kneeling position which probably explains why he thought I was still in the game. Twenty feet diagonally across from me was Ponytail.

I squinted at the purple mess on the ground and then couldn't help but snicker. The bitch couldn't even transfer her mind correctly. Talk about useless. But before I got to commend her stupidity any further, a slick shadow stole my attention.

Shaking my head to get a clearer vision, I turned to look at the jōnin who had one hand comfortably clinging onto my waist and the other wrapping my arm around his neck.

 _Fuck_. I pushed away from him, falling on my ass. I shook my head again before trying to stand up by myself.

"I can stand on my own, Kakashi-Sensei." I held one hand out. He ain't touching me a second time.

Silver respected that and retreated back onto the balcony.

"What's wrong with the Pig?" I said, inching near the girl who was still lying on the floor, half dazed.

I still couldn't hear at the moment, so when a big man with a cigarette in his mouth landed between me and the blonde, I was scared shitless and almost peed my pants.

Smoker princess-carried Ponytail to the balcony after giving me a small nod. Indeed, a true man.

There was a small tap on my shoulder and I turned to see paramedics by my side.

"Please get on, dick." Was what I extracted from reading his lips, but I could be wrong, they looked like nice people.

Two medical ninja beckoned me to quickly lie on the stretcher, but I waved my hands in a rowdy fashion.

"I'm fine!" I said, but by the startled looks on their faces, I most likely yelled. You see, my ears were failing me at the moment.

A cool sensation ran down the sides of my face as I noticed a drop of sweat followed by a drop of blood fall on the floor beneath me.

"His ears are bleeding!"

"Quickly, get him on!" someone said as I felt a slight shove on my shoulders. I fell backwards and thudded on a cushioned support. Strangely, it felt really nice.

I was looking at the changing scenery as I was being rocked to sleep on the stretcher transporting me to where Uchiha probably was. I didn't fight the sleep that was taking over, I fought enough today.

…..

"Nature is best when you get to enjoy it with someone," I poured the freshly brewed tea. After putting the cup down for the blurry person sitting next to me, I proceeded to pouring my own cup.

"Haku," he grabbed my hand that was resting on my pink kimono, "When I become Hokage, marry me."

I looked at the figure. Orange. Blonde.

"Fuck no!"

My eyelids voluntary opened themselves before the horror continued. I fucking choked myself awake. Drenched in sweat, I bounced up from my reclined hospital bed and looked around frantically and slowly began to take in the surroundings.

Around three arm lengths away, a stunned Uchiha was sitting upright on his cotton bed. Next to him, sitting on one of those rolling chairs, was a surprised Orange. And by the window sill was none other than Silver reading his porn.

"Haku-chan! How are you feeling?" Naruto fled from Sasuke's side and eagerly appeared next to me. He pressed his face to mine, but recalling the earlier reverie, I felt a flush of heat rush to my usually pale face.

I immediately shoved him away in embarrassment, but regained my composure. That was just a fucking dream. We're both fucking men. No fucking way.

Naruto didn't seem to comprehend, but stupid Sasuke, if he was good at anything, was quite observant. I cursed beneath my breath. Another famous Uchiha grin appeared on his face. He had something to say.

"Dream about some perverted stuff, Haku- _chan_?"

"Did you dream about me?" a creepily thrilled Naruto asked.

"Fuck no!" I impulsively defended.

"Team 7!"

All eyes were on Sensei who slowly walked to the foot of our beds before bending over and smiling.

"Not bad. All three of you passed the Preliminaries."

All three of us grinned at each other. Of course we all passed.

"When you recover, we'll resume training to prepare for the real exam. Finals will take place in a month."

"Kakashi-sensei. I don't think I can." Seeing that I got his attention, I continued, "I think my chakra flow is damaged. I don't want to push it." I feigned a sigh of disappointment as I leaned back on my now upright bed.

Uchiha snorted next to me and Naruto rushed to fill me in on something apparently everyone knew but me.

"Haku. The doctors said you weren't experiencing anything serious. You were just suffering from fatigue and minor injuries, but mainly hunger."

The two Sharingan users were laughing under their breath. I just knew it.

"How about my ears bleeding though?" I protested.

"It was just the release of the blood that clotted from the earlier injury inflicted by Dosu. The fresh new blood wanted to unclog and clean out the old dried blood. It was actually a good thing. You're completely fine!" Naruto exclaimed and gave his thumbs up.

"So we'll resume practice as planned." Kakashi waved his hand to leave and joyfully leapt out of the window.

"He's watching the new movie of Icha Icha right?" I asked and both my comrades nodded in unison.

"Guess there's no helping it," I said as I folded my arms behind my head.

 _I really want some ramen_ …

"Yo loser." I looked up at a smirking Sasuke with bandages covering his arms and legs. "Heard you won by mistake."

Oh right. I won since the Pig missed me by a few millimeters and fainted.

"Lame."

"Shut up dickhead. I didn't even want to win. Can't believe she fucked up such a good opportunity. Now I'm fucking stuck in the actual exam." _I really don't want to fight_. _I much rather live a peaceful life and stay away from these wackos. They can go fucking each other for all I care. Just leave me be._

"Fuck you then. Better prepare yourself 'cause if we vs. each other, I'm gonna fucking kick your balls off with my Lions Barrage."

"You should be more worried about your own balls before I freeze them spermless." I lifted my eyebrow to piss him off.

"What the fuck?"

"Yeah. What. the. Fuck." _Even I was lost in this conversation_. _But I made a promise to always have the last word when I bullshit with Uchiha._

…

 _Fuck Uchiha and Uzumaki._

I dragged my feet around the hospital, wiping the walls with my body as I sauntered through the quiet facility for the thousandth time.

"Haku-san. Please refrain from disturbing the other patients," the nurse told me.

I tilted my head slightly to the right. "I will try not to, Rin-chan."

Yeah. I know every hospital staff's name by now. I've been stuck in the hospital for over a week already. Apparently, I was anemic and diagnosed with something that I can't remember which required me to stay under care until the medical team decide I am healthy enough to resume practice.

Old Orange and Blue is currently receiving training from Pervy Sage and Pervy Disciple, respectively. I am suspecting that since they couldn't find me another pervy sensei, they bribed the hospital people to stall me in this hell hole for the time being.

I mean. That's cool. It's not like I wanted to fight anyways. But I really can't take this any longer. I ripped the needle they stuck up my arm and finally unattached myself from the silver pole holding the IV drip I had to push around everywhere I went.

 _FREEDOM!_ I wanted to scream, if not for the scene playing out in my neighbor patient's room that stopped me in my tracks.

I recognized the angry redhead right away— Love Boy. He was disrupting String Bean Lee. You see, ever since I was detained in the hospital while Naruto and Sasuke were discharged, I had to keep myself somewhat entertained. Lee and I became somewhat compatible during this hard time for both of us—when he couldn't train and I couldn't eat what I wanted to.

"Die!" Love Boy muttered under his breath as he controlled some sand to attack Lee. Again, you see, Lee informed me all about the matches up until his own tragedy.

As swift as lighting, I teleported the handicapped ninja away from harm. Love Boy didn't seem to happy about that. I turned to him, hatred in my eyes.

"What you did is too cruel," I said, standing confidently between predator and prey.

"None of your business," the Sand ninja huffed, as he struggled to keep cool. That kid definitely had anger-management issues while growing up.

"It's my fucking business."

Love Boy threw a sand hand at me, but I activated by famous and overused Ice dome. The sand made contact, but couldn't penetrate through.

 _Overdone, but works every time_.

Grinning my cheeky grin, I leaned back and crossed my arms in triumph as Gaara (Lee reminded me of his name) repeatedly beat my dome.

 _Damn. I'm getting influenced too much by Uchiha and his bastardly actions_.

"I think that's enough youthful energy coming from you!" a voice bellowed before revealing the arrival of Senior String Bean.

"Guy Sensei!" Lee burned with youth.

"Lee!"

"Guy Sensei!"

It actually made me glad to see the fire in String Bean's eyes again. It was dimming the longer he stayed in confinement.

But I wasn't happy for too long. Team Guy's burning passion was much too passionate for me—and Gaara who left after witnessing the legendary teacher-disciple Embrace of Youth. That, I do not blame him for. I wanted to leave to, but was held back by the older version of Lee.

"To thank you Haku Yuki, I will train you!"

"I'm really fine…I was just passing by…" I said, attempting to scoot away.

"Taku-San. You should not deny yourself from the call of youth!" Lee announced, with a bit more energy. "When I recover, I promise I will join you in a battle of taijutsu!"

Seeing his enthusiasm, I couldn't crush Lee's dream. After all, I did fancy in taijutsu myself.

So I stupidly agreed, not knowing how much I would regret it later nor how much my body would hate me forever.

After training with the Mighty Guy, I stumbled upon a petite Hyūga on the training grounds. From what Lee told me, she lost pretty bad. But seeing that she was cute, I went to talk with her. But lost interest after it became openly obvious that she was obsessed with Orange. That irked me to some extent for some strange reason. Maybe because Naruto was **my** teammate, my concern, none of hers.

But since she praised me for my skills, I couldn't help but show her a little something more. I ended up staying, practicing with her. She wasn't too bad. I probably wouldn't mind finding a wife like her. But if I do marry a Hyūga, she is banned from using Byakugan around me or we'll have to divorce.

Her teacher, Kurenai dropped by as well to check up on her recovering beloved disciple. Seeing and wrongly assuming that I was helping her dear student, she bestowed upon me a few lessons and tips on genjutsu manipulation. I gratefully absorbed the information.

After the red-eyed beauty (whom I would trade Silver anytime to be my sensei) left, I played with Hinata a little more and actually did assist in honing her precision and speed. She's not bad so I let her become my part-time student in exchange for homemade lunches (the one she shared with me—though creepy as fuck with Naruto's face on each and every one of the rice balls—was delicious).

Anyways, I rewarded her hard work by making it snow—yes, I had so much chakra pent up from my stay in the hospital that it didn't matter if I wasted some for something stupid like impressing a girl that is totally in love with my teammate.

When she smiled, I was slightly content. I never made a girl smile before. It was a nice feeling.

"Haku-kun…um…um…" Petite fumbled with her fingers.

"Goddamn it. Just say it!" I ordered.

"…Thank you!" Petite bowed to me. It was also the first time anyone bowed like this to me.

I put one hand on her shoulder. "Hinata-chan, from now on, when you're around me, be bold. Just goddamn say anything on your mind. Say whatever is bothering you, who you hate, who you like, just fucking say it." I looked her straight into her normal eyes (thank heavens). "If you do, Naruto will like you more," I assured her.

Hinata immediately went red. "Really?" she asked sheepishly.

"Yes. He likes me and I fucking say what I like whenever wherever." I nodded with confidence.

"I will …um…fucking try!"

Her high pitch voice was annoying. But she herself was tolerable. I turned to leave, waving one hand whilst stuffing the other into my pocket.

 _Good deed done_.

In between my journey from the training ground to Ichiraku, I was intercepted by an elite Anbu. Being courteous, I walked around the masked shinobi and continued to the point of destination. But when I was only a few yards away, I was swept off my feet and teleported to some training ground.

"From now until the chūnin exam, I will train you," a female voice echoed from behind the mask.

"That's very nice of you, Yūgao-san." I stood up to dust the dirt off my pants.

The Anbu took a step back. She must've been appalled by the fact that I knew her identity just by looking at her. But what she didn't know was that I watched her for years. Under Zabuza's orders, her whereabouts, hobbies, habits, and personal information were all retrieved and reported periodically. Yes, I was the stalker for the obsessor.

"How'd you..

"…know you?" I finished for her.

She nodded, awaiting a satisfying answer to her curiosity.

But like fuck I'm gonna tell her how I actually memorized her every breath, the rhythm of her heartbeat, her walk, her scent…

"I really admire the proctor for the Preliminaries, Hayate Gekkō, so I know quite a few facts about him including people whom he cares for, one being the beautiful Yūgao-san."

Okay. I lied. But more importantly, she took it. This woman is hopeless when it comes to Bandana.

"Yes, I heard about you from him as well," she said with a more shy attitude.

"Yes, I actually wanted to challenge him to a duel. Since I really admire kenjutsu users (Zabuza was one), I wanted to experience a fight firsthand with a professional."

I smiled and lied again.

"Well then, let's get started and have you become a elite kenjutsu user yourself." Yūgao prided herself in her skills which she intended to pass on to me.

"If only I had the ability to store all my weapons someplace. I already carry so many senbon, that I don't even have room to carry anything else…"

"Then we can first start with storage-style fūinjutsu." Yūgao pulled out a scroll.

 _Yes. I don't mind learning this_.

And so we learned, and according to her, I am quite a fast learner. Prodigy level. I of course refused her compliments but accepted them mentally. That fucking Uchiha thinks he's the only genius. Well, that's just total bullshit.

The kunoichi took me by the shoulders, shaking me from my chain of thoughts.

"I'll teach you basic medical skills before moving on to kenjutsu. At this rate, we'll make good progress and get you ready to fight the wind fan user Temari."

I didn't mind learning the medicine techniques but I can pass on the kenjutsu. I've always had a knack for experimenting with herbs and testing them on myself (probably explains my high immunity to poison). If I learn the basic medical skills, I could move to some village, and become a simple children's physician and live peacefully.

"Sounds great Yūgao-san!"

 _Sounds great_. I will learn those medical skills, but as for the chūnin exams, I have other plans in mind.


	6. Konoha Crush: Part I

Haku Ch. 5

Konoha Crush: Part 1

As you know, plans are called plans because they are fancy imaginations that have yet to be executed and waiting to be foiled. Well, my plan to flee Konoha would've been perfect—my match was against Temari but because her opponent Dosu randomly died, she is to fight Pineapple who was my opponent; thus, I am the only one awaiting a partner, and since no one knows me, there is no need to put me in a fight for publicity until others fight first—if not for Hinata.

The girl came to me and fucking begged me to accompany her to watch Orange's battle. I had all the intention to leave, but because she scolded me for spitting bullshit when I revealed my dream of becoming a physician and opening a children's hospital, I had to stay. My own half-student fucking Byakuganed me. I shit my pants, she laughed and then blackmailed me to go.

And so I went. Long story short, Naruto won against ex-proclaimed genius (aka Hinata's White Eyed cousin). Then Sasuke pulled a no-show (Uchiha style). And then the face-painted puppeteer forfeited so Bug Boy won—fishy. Pineapple surrendered to Temari after like 10 minutes. Then Uchiha finally arrived (his dramatically late entrance) and Love Boy Gaara's excitement escalated from 0 to 100 in a Chidori's lifespan which resulted in the self-proclaimed heartless monster going totally berserk.

And then everyone fell asleep. No shit. I didn't because I was already asleep watching the couple's (Temari and Shikamaru's) fight. So when the dumbass Glasses cast a sleeping spell (more popularly known as the Temple of Nirvana Technique) on everyone, I experienced the opposite effect and woke up. Eden-like bliss my ass. At this rate, the only eden-like bliss I'll be getting is fleeing. Something big was definitely going to happen in Konoha and I'm still in it.

The whole fucking stadium was in total chaos. Everyone was asleep and for those who weren't, well, too bad, I wasn't going to help. But then, I realized that Hinata was out of sight. Shit. Why the fuck did I accept her as my student?

Then I spotted two Kumo spectators carrying a human—Hinata! I immediately jumped up from my seat and began running. She was really a pain.

Seeing the outnumbered defense shinobi and taking into account all that Konoha had done for me, I found it in my heart to do something before I fled out of this stadium and into some other land.

"Genjutsu release!" I looped the hand motions continuously as I passed the sleeping citizens and slowly one by one (those that could hear me), began waking slowly. They were all dazed and confused and panicked, but that wasn't my problem. I already did what I could to pay back what Kurenai taught me.

I ran after the Cloud kidnappers but was then distracted by this big purple barrier erected atop the roof of a building. I halted in awe, trying my best to not get too swept away—the Four Violet Flames Formation.

Shit. I really wanted to get a closer look, I've only ever heard this formation barrier from Zabuza. Just then, as if by fate, I found White Eyes Cousin Neji. Recognizing him by his hair, I reminisced about my own that I so easily cut off quite recently. Now I was sporting a short hairstyle with long side bangs, it's different, long and short hair that is. But that's not the point.

Grabbing him from his ponytail, I was almost greeted with a not-so gentle Gentle Fist before I caught it in time (thanks to training with baby Hyūga).

"Hinata kidnappers went that way!" I pointed in the direction I last saw them. "Get her back safely."

"What about you?" he questioned.

"I'll help with the chaos," I lied without blinking.

"It's up to you." He nodded in ascent and dashed away, leaving the village in faulty hands.

After removing myself from the crowds but before approaching too close to the purple flame barrier for other ninja to see me, I threw on a Anbu mask. Didn't want anyone recognizing me.

As I walked closer, I happened to see a ninja stupidly walk in and then get lit up by the flames intended to deter anyone from going in or out. We get those dumbshits ever so often. There's a reason why the other ninja are staying like five feet away from the purple thing, dumbass.

Out of the sympathy I had for him (who reminded me a bit of Naruto), I did my water release and lessened his suffering from burn injuries. I left the man to be tended by his ever so helpful squad mates.

Sneaking closer to the barrier, I could make out two people. One was the Hokage (whom I quite like) and the other was very familiar. But I confirmed that it was Pervorochi after seeing his Sound minions donning the same outfit.

Shit. Hokage was in big trouble. I actually kneeled down and began running through hand seals.

"Certain Kill Ice Spears!" I tried to attack the red-haired girl minion's corner but to no use. They had internal barriers from within the barrier I couldn't cross.

"Ice Prison!" I tried this one too. My technique reached its target, and I could tell it affected the girl for a split second, but the purple flames immediately countered my attack. I would need at least the chakra of a jinchūriki to make a workable ice prison on any one of the ninja holding up the barrier.

After accepting my uselessness and feasting my eyes on the grandeur chaos engulfing the Leaf Village, I pivoted to flee, only to be stopped by my lovely mentor Yūgao. She was in Anbu attire as well, and she recognized me with no uncertainty.

"Haku, leave this to us. I need you to gather what's going on here and report it back to Kakashi," Yūgao handed me a scroll. "This as well."

 _Shit. I just wanted to leave._

I guess one last mission wouldn't hurt. And so I sprinted to find Kakashi after passing a crazy Kabuto and exchanged eye contact with him.

 _Shit_. This was a double invasion from the Sound headed by Pervorochi supported by vice mastermind Glasses allied by Sand idiots whose jinchūriki—Love Boy—is currently missing (along with Team 7's very own Uchiha).

I stopped in front of Glasses who was still lingering. "Certain Kill Ice Spears!" I summoned once more.

I had a subtle epiphany moment where I had to create some new skills to change it up a bit, but I'd do that when I'm not busy half-saving and half-fleeing a village.

Glasses dodged it and began throwing explosives at me, which was futile against my much prided speed. "Ice Prison!" I managed to trap his arms in ice. "Consecutive Ice Ch-

Before my ice chain could reach him, Kabuto disappeared from my line of vision. I looked around and the genjutsu he caused was slowly fading out with the helping shinobi in the benches evacuating the oblivious and panicking audience.

Activating my hunter skills, I finally located Kakashi and delivered the message. I wasn't let off the hook yet. He summoned Pakkun (this talking pug) and ordered me to locate Sasuke and retrieve him.

 _Hell no. I'm leaving_.

Kakashi disappeared before I could lay the bad news gently. I turned to leave, but the Pug tugged at my pants.

"Follow orders," he ordered.

Yeah. Hearing this from a pug. Bullshit.

"I'm not staying." I turned to leave once more.

"Sasuke may die." Pug looked at me with his indifferent eyes. "Naruto and Shikamaru are on their way to assist."

"None of my business." It really wasn't. I'm a Mist ninja. I technically don't have any relation whatsoever to these people except for the fact that my previous employer was slaughtered by a Leaf ninja.

"You're part of Team 7!" the pug barked. When he confirmed that I wasn't changing my mind, he left. "Fuck you Haku!"

I watched as the ninja dog scurried away, entering himself into a world of chaos caused by humans and perverted snakes. The whole village was having a massive killing party that Zabuza might've participated in had he been alive and paid.

There were 3 giant snake summons dancing with some of Pervy Sage's bigass toads. The background still had the purple barrier and there were background smoke coming from the forest. Naruto was probably heading there right about now.

I forced my eyes closed and turned to desert the village, but I couldn't help but whip my head back one more time. Ichiraku Ramen would undoubtedly be destroyed at this rate. I clenched my hands into fists before biting myself for making the decision that would change the course of my peaceful life forever.

Goddamn it. Fuck you Uchiha. Fuck you Naruto. Fuck you Konoha. Fuck me.


	7. Konoha Crush: Part II

**Thank you everyone for your nice comments! I'm glad Haku is able to bring you some smiles :)**

* * *

Haku Ch. 6

Konoha Crush: Part 2

"Naruto!" I alerted from a distance. My teammate smiled at the backup before going full speed ahead and landing a ferocious kick at Shukaku's unstable jinchūriki.

I caught up to the pug just in time to catch Sasuke from falling down a tree that he was thrown against. He was knocked out cold so I was left with no choice but to transport him to some other far away branch and blessed him with my famous ice dome. I'll come back for him later. Right now I had something more important to do.

Gaara detected me dashing back to provide Naruto support, and instinctually decided to kill me to stop me. A giant sand claw was seeking to grope me but I shifted just enough to dodge it, but when the second sand hand came to grab me, I wasn't as quick to react.

Naruto and I watched as my clone got slammed against the wall, water droplets dampening the sand grabbing onto the fake body. It was only a minuscule moment, but the surrounding sand retracted a second slower.

 _No shit_! _Sand is heavier when mixed with other substances. He controls sand, not all the other elements mixed in._ I planted myself onto a spot three branches up before kneeling down to activate my ice dome.

"Thousand Water Needles of Death!" I yelled as my water rained upon the sand monster.

I knew it wasn't much help, but that was all I could do to help Naruto. Even if I slowed it down just by a little, it would do.

Naruto took the chance to summon his shadow clones.

After raining more water, I followed that with my "consecutive ice chains" in hopes of freezing the particles and making the sand harder to manipulate. Unfortunately, we weren't in the Mist. If we were, this would already have been over.

The Naruto clones relentlessly battered Gaara who now transformed more into the beast he is. But it seemed like we needed one more distraction before Naruto could pull something from his sleeve.

 _Fuck me_. I threw myself into the battle.

"Ice Prison!" I froze Gaara. He broke free. But I activated the same technique again. I was able to freeze him three times when he finally figured out that I was lacking chakra to continue. With one deathly blow, I was knocked to the sidelines and crushed underneath his Sand.

Then the stupid 'beeeeeeep' sound came back. That was accompanied by the taste of iron in my mouth and the indescribable feeling of a rib(s?) stabbing at an organ that I currently was unable to identify.

Recognizing my sacrifice, Naruto summoned Gamabunta and defeated still conscious Gaara. The blonde stared wide-eyed back at me who was still confined to the tree. I had one eye open to see the summoning. That was fucking amazing. For once, Naruto was pretty cool.

"Haku!" he yelled, rushing by my side, futilely trying to yank at the unyielding sand prison.

"Uchiha is safe." I whispered, as some fresh blood leaked out of my mouth. I spat it out, didn't want him to see the sorry state I was in.

"Haku! GODDAMN IT!" Naruto was on the verge of tears, trying to free me from the stubborn clasp.

Just then, a grumpy grumbling came from Gaara. We both watched Shukaku, the one-tailed beast, awaken in front of our eyes. It was beginning its transformation and it was fucking horrible.

"I'm a coward, Naruto…" I panted out in breaths. Naruto turned back to me with increased worry. "Coming back was stupid. I should've just fled and became a doctor…"

"What kind of bullshit you- you- talking about?" Naruto forced out, withholding falling tears.

"But then I remembered that there are two idiots I need to watch over." I closed my eyes, tired and wanting to sleep.

"Haku!" Naruto pleaded for me to stay with him.

"But I'm proud to be part of Team 7…and proud to have you and Uchiha be my brothers…despite the short time." I managed to genuinely smile, something I tried not doing often since everyone would gush about how "cute" I looked. But it seemed like Naruto needed some cheering up.

"Haku…" His tears stained the branch beneath us.

I playfully (or as playfully as I could make it) knocked my head against his. "Got get him, Orange."

I fainted after watching the back of Naruto disappear into the distance and confront the Sand beast. Konoha was truly blessed to have Naruto…and me.

But half way in, a loud crashing sound triggered an earthquake-like vibration and woke me from my almost-but-not-yet-eternal nap. Smoke was in the air and dust filled my nostrils.

I would've let myself go again—take a nap like dear Uchiha who was sleeping like a baby up on the taller, further away from harm branches—but I was located more near the main attraction. There was an entire jinchūriki vs. jinchūriki fight in front of my face and I had first class/priority (mandatory) seating (confinement). If I survive, I might just be willing to appear in a documentary sharing my wondrous (close to death) experience and firsthand witnessing of giant fucking tailed monsters fighting in front of my face as I stayed wrapped up in a rough sand blanket.

So long story short, since I tuned out—my face was getting itchy from the tiny grains of flying sand and I was struggling to find a way to scratch it—I believe Naruto won. He head-butted Gaara and the sand hand loosened its grip around my delicate body.

I fell forward onto my knees, but I forced myself to get up. I needed to check on Orange. God knows if that Sand monster still had any more tricks up his sleeves. If it was a battle of killing, Naruto would be the last to resort to it. I'm just afraid our friendly idiot wouldn't have the guts to kill the enemy. If he couldn't do it, I'll do it for him.

 _He deserves to keep his hands clean. I'll do the dirty work. I'll be leaving soon anyways._

So I leapt down to ground level and to my utter stupidity, stood paralyzed as I watched Orange give the most amazing speech I ever heard in my life as he crawled with his chin towards the more injured Gaara.

"I won't ever let you, or anyone, no matter what you've been through, to hurt my friends!" Orange yelled. _So unlike him to be so cool_. "I won't let you lay a hand on Sasuke or Haku or the Leaf…even if it means I have to kill you!"

What an idiot I've been to think that Orange couldn't kill! Guess there wasn't a need for me anyways. That's all fine and well…

Just then, a gust of wind blew in our direction. Luckily, I caught wind of it before it made contact with my dear comrade. I carried Naruto and retreated three giant leaps before pivoting and dodging an array of purple poison bombs.

 _Shit_.

I ran through the hand seals for the only thing I could think of—Ice Dome. I stubbornly held it up as the Sand siblings continued to attack the barrier to, I believe, kill our jinchūriki to avenge their jinchūriki. When the girl with the giant fan got annoyed, she disappeared, leaving Face Paint to play puppets with me.

I immediately undetectably summoned a mist clone to retrieve Uchiha which was probably the girl's target. And again, fortunately, because I was the one who placed him, I found him first, successfully transporting the sleeping Uchiha inside my Ice Dome as well. Now the entire Team 7 Squad laid under my Ice Dome.

As I suspected, the Fan Girl reunited with his brother to attack me again after realizing that her target hostage was no longer available for use. I smirked at her furrowed eyebrows.

It was never me to waste my life to protect anyone. And here I was, finding myself on the verge of my last drip of chakra and hanging onto my dear life along with two others whilst relying on a rib-penetrated organ, and fighting two heartless ninjas. If anyone were to be responsible if I die, it would be me. I fucked myself up. And since I'm doing it anyways, I'm gonna fuck it up—with style.

If I had an abundance of anything, it would be senbon.

"Swallow Snow Storm!"

Hurling a myriad of chakra-ice infused tracker senbon at the enemy, the puppet man was forced to retreat a few steps, but the headstrong sister didn't budge, simply staying still and with a swipe of her large-ass fan, swiped my tracker ice birds to the ground surrounding her.

"It's gonna take much more than needles to stop us!" Temari taunted, much to my satisfaction. I could only pull it off if they lowered their guard slightly.

"Ice Prison!"

The ice on the ground warped into ice chains and snaked around the Sand ninja's bodies. I took this opportunity to leave my ice dome, and summoning my ice-breaking sledgehammer hands, attacked them with the only thing I could with the chakra level I had left within me—taijutsu.

Knocking the Sand sister off her feet with a relentless elbow jab in the chest, I threw two ice senbon (it was conveniently on the floor) through her shoulders. I charged straight for Gaara next. _The tailed-beast host must be eliminated_.

"Don't Haku!" I halted when I recognized that it was Naruto's voice.

And because of that slight distraction, Kankuro tugged the strings of his puppet and had one on me in an instant. The wooden clacking object had its dangly arms around me, stubbornly handing on and determined to break something before letting go.

I seriously thought it was over, but to my rescue, was the gruff not-cute at all Pug. He took a large bite out of the puppeteer's arm, sending him into a slight panic. I took this opportunity to mist away and tumble back into the shelter of my Ice Dome.

After buying me just enough time, Pakkun (Pug) was tossed to the side. Around the same time, my Ice Dome began melting. I didn't have the strength anymore.

Kankuro noticed that and snorted as he closed the distance. I ran forward, drawing the focus away from my unconscious comrades. I was greeted with a full meaty punch in the gut before slumping forward to be lifted by the collar and off my feet.

"Guess this is the end for you punk," Kankuro scoffed.

I looked over at the pug who intelligently found its way back into the Ice Dome that was once again put into place and in top condition. Thankfully, Puppet Man didn't notice.

"I guess so…" I smiled.

With one hand, I exposed the inside of my haori, revealing the explosives taped all over. He dropped me with no reserve, but I took ahold of his trembling wrist and bounded us together with my ice.

… _for the both of us._

His eyes widened in horror as mine softened as I took one last glance at my teammates.

"Goodbye Team 7!" I yelled through my gritted teeth. Parting never felt so unready in my life.

"Hakkkkuuuuuuu!" two voices responded in the distance. I smiled, at least now I know Uchiha was still alive.

With one quick motion, before any more interruptions and my grip on Kankuro still held, I pointed two fingers to the sky and activated the finishing move.

 _I'm coming…Zabuza_. Or so I thought.

By a speed in which even I couldn't catch on to, my shirt was ripped off my back, exposing my pale skin to the still shining sun. Not even a second passed for me to process when a squall hit—sending cuts all over my already beat body. I flew backwards, but was supported by a familiar hand around my waist that found its way there as if by second nature. I didn't even have to look to know who it was.

"You're fucking late," I mumbled before allowing my full weight to collapse onto the pillar that I trusted enough to support me.

"You did well Haku," he paused, "you may rest now."

 _Fuck yeah_.

….

My vision failed me soon after and I fell into another coma that would land me back into the now over-crowded, overworked, underpaid, understaffed Konoha infirmary (or what's left of it).


End file.
